Your post caused me to reflect on right speech and headed me down a rabbit trail, not so much on jargon but on my conversations with two parents with Alzheimer's dementia. Noah Rasheta is probably the best modern communicator on secular Buddhism and like you, his non-jargon explanations made the Eightfold Path approachable for me. Instead of "Right", Noah prefers the word "skillful". Skillful speech makes sense to me. Skillful speech decreases suffering or discomfort.
Where this became difficult for me is the Buddhist teaching of the Four Gates of Right Speech: Is it truthful, necessary, kind, and timely? Well, with dementia, the loved one often thinks they are living somewhere they are not. My dad will say, "I've lived here in Denver for most of my life." We're not living in Denver. Alzheimer's experts advise not correcting the individual in conversations, as it simply confuses them and causes anxiety. Yet, the first gate is be truthful...don't lie. Dang, now what do I do?
Noah unpacks "truth" into three types: Objective, Subjective and Shared. For dad, his subjective truth is Denver. Knocking him over the head with the Objective truth (Dad, we don't live in Denver anymore) increases his suffering and does nothing to improve the situation. The more skillful speech is to go with it, like in improv comedy, with the "yes, and..." approach. "Yes, and you always worked so hard in Denver, didn't you. What was your favorite project?" More skillful and doesn't disrespect his subjective reality and causes more suffering.
Anyway, thanks for the trigger to think and reflect this morning. The Eightfold Path is an incredible operating manual for today's living, once the jargon is unpacked.
Thank you for such a thoughtful comment! I really enjoyed reading it, and I appreciate you taking the time to share where the post led you.
What especially struck me was your discussion of Noah's teaching on objective, subjective, and shared truth. I'd encountered that teaching before but had completely forgotten about it, and your comment was a wonderful reminder. Maybe it's time that I go back and listen to all of Noah's 200+ podcast episodes for the THIRD time!
Your example about your parents really hit home for me. I've wrestled with the same challenge while caring for a loved one with dementia. After a lot of trial and error, I've mostly come to the conclusion that if I'm speaking with the "right intention" of reducing fear, confusion, and suffering, I'm usually on the right track. That said, I still have plenty of moments where I find myself defending objective reality, only to realize afterward that I've created confusion and hurt (for both of us).
A colleague of mine who is caring for his parents with dementia recently used the phrase "therapeutic lie" to describe those situations where we gently bend the truth to avoid unnecessary distress. I really like that phrase. It acknowledges the tension while keeping the focus on compassion and intent.
Thanks again for reading and for sharing your reflections, Dave. I always enjoy hearing how people connect these ideas to their own lives, so please keep the comments coming. I'd love to hear more from you!
Your post caused me to reflect on right speech and headed me down a rabbit trail, not so much on jargon but on my conversations with two parents with Alzheimer's dementia. Noah Rasheta is probably the best modern communicator on secular Buddhism and like you, his non-jargon explanations made the Eightfold Path approachable for me. Instead of "Right", Noah prefers the word "skillful". Skillful speech makes sense to me. Skillful speech decreases suffering or discomfort.
Where this became difficult for me is the Buddhist teaching of the Four Gates of Right Speech: Is it truthful, necessary, kind, and timely? Well, with dementia, the loved one often thinks they are living somewhere they are not. My dad will say, "I've lived here in Denver for most of my life." We're not living in Denver. Alzheimer's experts advise not correcting the individual in conversations, as it simply confuses them and causes anxiety. Yet, the first gate is be truthful...don't lie. Dang, now what do I do?
Noah unpacks "truth" into three types: Objective, Subjective and Shared. For dad, his subjective truth is Denver. Knocking him over the head with the Objective truth (Dad, we don't live in Denver anymore) increases his suffering and does nothing to improve the situation. The more skillful speech is to go with it, like in improv comedy, with the "yes, and..." approach. "Yes, and you always worked so hard in Denver, didn't you. What was your favorite project?" More skillful and doesn't disrespect his subjective reality and causes more suffering.
Anyway, thanks for the trigger to think and reflect this morning. The Eightfold Path is an incredible operating manual for today's living, once the jargon is unpacked.
Dave,
Thank you for such a thoughtful comment! I really enjoyed reading it, and I appreciate you taking the time to share where the post led you.
What especially struck me was your discussion of Noah's teaching on objective, subjective, and shared truth. I'd encountered that teaching before but had completely forgotten about it, and your comment was a wonderful reminder. Maybe it's time that I go back and listen to all of Noah's 200+ podcast episodes for the THIRD time!
Your example about your parents really hit home for me. I've wrestled with the same challenge while caring for a loved one with dementia. After a lot of trial and error, I've mostly come to the conclusion that if I'm speaking with the "right intention" of reducing fear, confusion, and suffering, I'm usually on the right track. That said, I still have plenty of moments where I find myself defending objective reality, only to realize afterward that I've created confusion and hurt (for both of us).
A colleague of mine who is caring for his parents with dementia recently used the phrase "therapeutic lie" to describe those situations where we gently bend the truth to avoid unnecessary distress. I really like that phrase. It acknowledges the tension while keeping the focus on compassion and intent.
Thanks again for reading and for sharing your reflections, Dave. I always enjoy hearing how people connect these ideas to their own lives, so please keep the comments coming. I'd love to hear more from you!